Friday, July 23, 2010

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I'm going through a super sucky phase in my life right now. One of those where you don't feel like yourself & nothing seems to be looking up. Of all times for this to possibly happen, Patrick (the boyfriend) & I ended things two nights ago. I suppose, in a way, it was a long time coming. The fact that we weren't fitting together perfectly has been on my mind for like 8 months now. However, every time that I tried to get up the strength to say something, the words literally wouldn't come out. Like I would tell myself when we get home tonight you have to say something or when this commercial comes on you have to say something. And I never could. Something would always stop me because I would reason with myself that the thought of being without him was worse than being with him. I realize as I type this that that was selfish of me. And obviously the fact that I wasn't 100% into it was can't fake things day in and day out. I started being more quick to get angry and more quiet and closed off. I could tell I was and as much as I tried to change my attitude I just couldn't. Well, I guess Wednesday night was the last straw and it all boiled over. I, in true fashion lately, became overly dramatic and began to question everything about our relationship. After a few minutes of me being whiny and needy sounding, I asked if there was a future at all, and he more or less said no. As soon as he said it, I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. Even though the whole goal of me having this outburst was for him to answer the question like that, I still wasn't ready for how I felt. As soon as I walked out, I started crying and I don't think I stopped for the next 8 hours. I know that this decision was probably for the best because something wasn't working somewhere. I just wish there was some secret remedy to get over it. He was such a HUGE part of my life and I am having serious troubles coping with this. While there was next to no romance/passion there anymore, he was without a doubt my best friend this past year and a half and I lost that. The past two days I have on numerous times picked up the phone to text him something about my day and then realize that I shouldn't do that... and sadly enough, there is not a minute that goes by that I don't think of something that I want to do but now can't. I wish that I had realized that night that it was the end. This is so corny and cheesy but I wish that I would have paid attention more to the last time we kissed/hugged. Lately, I've just blown both off like it was nothing. I even got all emotional when I realized that I won't have his dang dog jump on me and lick me to death anymore. Then I think about all the places or restaurants that I wanted to try with him and never did. Or TV shows will come on that we watched together (ahem scrubs) and I can't even watch them. I know, I know...I'm a pathetic basketcase. And it takes a lot of pride for me to admit that because I want so bad to be the one in the relationship who is fine and moves on to bigger and better things right away. As I've heard 97 times, "it just takes time." Well, I suppose that I will just plaster a smile on my face and go on. This is the only time that you will hear me rant about this because I cannot keep dwelling on this...I know that. It's not healthy and will just make me a wreck. Therefore, here's to looking forward. Here's to hoping that I pass the OAT, get into a great school in a great city, and everything falls into place exactly like it's meant to be.... that's what I'm praying anyway.

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